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The FIFA World Cup is almost upon us. In just 10 days time the hopes of an entire nation rest on 23 very highly paid, usually very under performing footballers to achieve glory in the heat of Brazil. My expectations for England are not so much 1966 level but I do hope for some good performances and an extended run in to the knock out stages. Another thing I hope for during this World Cup but, like an England victory, I believe is highly unlikely is a large number of beards on show. Apart from the usual suspects on the International scene such as Andrea Pirlo, I struggled to think of any hirsute superstars. I decided to take a look at the squads of the 32 countries to see who might win the Golden Beard at the 2014 tournament.
There were only 12 contenders from the 32 representatives (please see the bearded players in the GALLERY):
GROUP A
With no bearded players from Croatia or Mexico, the group winners are Cameroon with 3 players; Alex Song, Benoit Assou-Ekotto and goalkeeper Charles Itandje. They outnumber Brazil, who only have Daniel Alves flying the flag.
GROUP B
Spain win this one due to the large number of bearded squad members. Alvaro Arbeloa of Real Madrid showed off an absolute beauty at the Champions League final to take Spain’s total to five (along with Xabi Alonso, Raúl Albiol, Daniel Carvajal and Gerard Pique. Australia’s Joshua Brillante has some fine growth and he takes the Socceroos to my Knock-Out stage.
GROUP C
There was only ever going to be one winner of this group. Greece’s leading beard growers are Celtic’s Giorgos Samaras and PAOK players Alexandros Tziolis & Giorgos Tzavellas. The other three teams failed to produce a single player with quality facial hair.
GROUP D
The disappointment here is that England are equal with Uruguay and Costa Rica with a beard total of zero. Italy, led by footballing 'beard A-lister’ Andrea Pirlo, march on to the next stage.
GROUP E
I call this group the ‘Group of Death’ as there is not one single bearded player from the squads of France, Ecuador, Switzerland and Honduras. The World Cup group that is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
GROUP F
Argentina use their bearded strike force of Higuain and Lavezzi to win this group, narrowly beating Iran by 2 players to 1. Clean shaven Bosnia & Herzegovina and Nigeria exit.
GROUP G
This group sees Portugal and USA progress. The Iberian trio of Raul Meireles, Hugo Almeida and defender Neto win the group over the Americans, who have goalkeeper Tim Howard to thank for their runners up place. Ghana and Germany are beardless and out.
GROUP H
South Korea and Russia have nothing to contribute to my World Cup of beards so the final group has Belgium and Algeria tied at the top. The Red Devils rely on defender Anthony Vanden whilst Algeria have ES Sétif midfielder Amir Karaoui to thank for their progression.
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And so to the knock out stage. I have used the same format as the one to be used this summer. Due to the lack of teams in my Beard World Cup, where a team has no opponent they automatically qualify for the next round.
CAM V AUS: Cameroon have the superior numbers but the quality of Brillante’s bushy beard takes the Aussie’s through.
BRA V ESP: The hosts should be proud of Alves’ effort but the Spanish contingent are just too strong and Brazil make an early exit.
GRE V --- : With only one team progressing from Group D, Greece automatically go through to the Quarter Finals.
--- V ITA: With Greece being the only Group C country to have a bearded player, Italy also have an easy route to the last eight.
--- V IRA: The Iranians face no competition as, facial hair-wise, Group E was awful.
--- V ARG: Argentina also get a free pass thanks to all the razors being used by the Group E teams.
POR V ALG: The Portuguese outweigh and outshine Algeria’s Karaoui for an easy passage to the Quarters.
USA V BEL: Belgium are no match for Tim Howard’s impressive growth. The United States knock the Belgians out.
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The last eight is made up of four European nations and the four from all over the world.
AUS V GRE: A tragedy for the Greeks as their trio are beaten by Brillante’s brilliant effort.
IRA V POR: Portugal breeze past Iran into the Semi-Finals.
ESP V ITA: This match up would have made a great final. The older, suave Pirlo and his team are narrowly beaten by Alonso, Pique et al by proverbial penalty shoot out.
ARG V USA: The Argentine efforts are shown up by the American goalkeeper.
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The Semi-Finals see Australia face Portugal and Spain take on USA.
AUS V POR: Joshua Brillante has a fine beard but the Portuguese three send the Aussie back Down Under.
ESP V USA: Spain ease past USA, their strength in numbers proves the decider.
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So here we are, the Beard World Cup Final. I’ve got it as an all Iberian affair. The line up shows that quantity has been just as important as quality to progress all the way. The Spanish quintet of Xabi Alonso, Alvaro Arbeloa, Raúl Albiol, Daniel Carvajal and Gerard Pique versus Portugal’s Raul Meireles, Neto and Hugo Almeida. This is a tough one to call. I think Meireles’ “beards & tatts” style is equal to the smart, kept image sported by Alonso. Arbeloa’s late arrival onto the bearded scene is the ’Super Sub’ moment and Spain win this in extra time!
A force on the pitch, also the team to beat when it comes to fine facial hair. Spain had it all; quantity and quality. The bearded look is represented all over the team and each is as thick and full as the next. Portugal came close and Italy could also have reached the summit but, like we have become used to in recent years, it's Spain that take home the trophy as victors.
